What is disillusionment?
A feeling of disappointment, akin to depression, arising from the realisation that something is not what it was expected or believed to be, possibly accompanied by philosophical angst from having one's beliefs challenged.
Most people give up in the disillusionment stage. Anger, guilt, jealousy and love are the foundations of a blended family. The family is bonded together with multiple hurts, histories. Set realistic expectations. Don't come in thinking that you know and love the kids the same as your own kids. You don't.....build up to that. And that will take years. A marriage isn't going to be easy with this baggage. It needs to be worked on with love and understanding and grace.
Who is winning in this relationship? It's not a competition. It's a team effort. There are emotional struggles and family members work on building relationships.
Think of a ladder. If your own child was to climb the ladder, would they jump off into your arms at even the tallest rung? Absolutely! They know the history with you. They know that you will catch them. They TRUST you! What about the other children? They have climbed up that ladder and then as they jumped, the arms of who they trusted were pulled back. They hit the ground...... it hurts and inside they are bruised up. Do you think they want to climb back up that ladder because you say you're different? No way! They need to establish that trust and respect FIRST and to see that you will be there supporting them and catching them.
How about your spouse? Have they jumped off the ladder and broken their arm, shattered their heart? They already took one leap by marrying you....... now what?!?
Thursday, February 16, 2012
With these kids I thee wed.....
If you think about it, Jesus was in a blended family. His "earthly" father was Joseph and yet he was the offspring of God. Blending a family is hard work and not for the faint of heart.
Primarily the children need to have a "den" where they (the cubs) feel "safe". They may not blend well with each other or even the non biological parent but it is imperative that they feel safe. The consequences of divorce are very damaging. In order to create that peaceful environment several things must happen.
-The blending must happen with mom and dad first
-There is going to be a HUGE range of emotions from spouses and children (anger, guilt, jealousy, love, etc)
-Realistic expectations need to be set. (EXPECTATIONS-REALITY=DISILLUSIONMENT)
What do the kids want and need from the new family?
- to be accepted and respected. (It's not going to be instant love between the spouse and the children)
- Children need a unified set of parents who stand shoulder to shoulder. Parents need to create the appearance of being in one accord, even if you disagree. Disagree behind closed doors.
- children need to have an orderly home with proper boundaries established.
What about discipline?
- Mom disciplines her own kids and dad disciplines his kids. For the other parent, you need to be there first and earn the respect first.
Continue to use the shoulder-to-shoulder determination to overcome land mines in the drive to survive.
-We are a couple, we are together, we are one.....
- Use some knee power and pray
- Use some no power. Avoid letting the guilt keep you from disciplining your own children.
Practical ways to solve problems before they explode:
-Understand that mom can love her husband in a blended family only to the extent that she feels her "cubs" are safe and secure in the "den".
-Make room for other family relationships, such as grandparents etc...
-Children gain security from traditions.
-which traditions do you carry forward?
-what are some new traditions for this family?
-Deal with anger and other emotions during regular family meetings.
-Do not "trash talk" your ex-spouse.
Dr. Lehman gave the example of a balloon. Everyone has a balloon inside them. As the days and weeks go by, that balloon builds up and builds up with different negative emotions. until it eventually explodes in complete anger. Learn to talk through the emotions, release some of the pressure slowly and you shouldn't get to the exploding point. Weekly anger meetings/family meetings are important in that release. It takes 3-7 years after being married to completely blend and work through issues. If you listen, you have a chance.
Give Every Day a Chance
A friend shared with me the fate of a hoarding grandmother. She refused to part with anything.
She couldn't rest because junk covered her bed. She lost treasures because they were obscured by mountains of trash. Jewelry, photographs, favorite books-all were hidden.
No rest. No treasures.
Squirrel away your hurts and expect the same. Or clean your house and give the day a fresh chance!
"But, Max" you say, the hurt is so deep."
I know, they took so much.
But why let them keep taking from you? Haven't they stolen enough?
"But Max, I've been so angry for so long."
Forgiveness won't come overnight. But you can take baby steps in the direction of grace. Forgive in phases.
Quit cussing the perpetrator's name. Start praying for him; understand her.
Give the grace you've been given!
Make it a day changer!
But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. Matthew 6:20
She couldn't rest because junk covered her bed. She lost treasures because they were obscured by mountains of trash. Jewelry, photographs, favorite books-all were hidden.
No rest. No treasures.
Squirrel away your hurts and expect the same. Or clean your house and give the day a fresh chance!
"But, Max" you say, the hurt is so deep."
I know, they took so much.
But why let them keep taking from you? Haven't they stolen enough?
"But Max, I've been so angry for so long."
Forgiveness won't come overnight. But you can take baby steps in the direction of grace. Forgive in phases.
Quit cussing the perpetrator's name. Start praying for him; understand her.
Give the grace you've been given!
Make it a day changer!
But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. Matthew 6:20
Saturday, February 11, 2012
Risk taking and believing
It's easier to fall into the habit of walking through life. It's safer. Because you don't have to risk as much.
Sometimes, life becomes rough and hard. We can quite and wash our hands or we can push on and sludge up the hill because once we crest this hill and reach the top of this mountain the view is amazing and unbelievable.
In the trip up the mountain, we change....by becoming a stronger person.
Sometimes, life becomes rough and hard. We can quite and wash our hands or we can push on and sludge up the hill because once we crest this hill and reach the top of this mountain the view is amazing and unbelievable.
In the trip up the mountain, we change....by becoming a stronger person.
Monday, January 30, 2012
God's Heart for Parent's
I loved this and it really seemed to hit home. This came through my email on Thursday and in being with Joshua and worried about him and his friendship issues, plus with Ayva and her unknown future.... it just helps to be reminded...
God's Heart for Parents by Max Lucado
He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all - how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Romans 8:32
God has a heart for hurting parents. Should we be surprised? No, after all, God himself is a Father!
Are you separated from your child? So was God. Is someone mistreating your child? They mocked and bullied his.
Is someone taking advantage of your children? The Son of God was set up and betrayed by a greedy follower. Are you forced to watch while your child suffers? God watched his son on the cross.
But because of his great love for us, "he did not spare his own son but gave him for us all. So with Jesus, God will surely give us all things!" All things must include courage and hope!
Your child may not be in your arms - but your child is safely in his!
Cast all your cares on Him because he cares for you. 1 Peter 5:7
Just another verse that is a great reminder....
God's Heart for Parents by Max Lucado
He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all - how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Romans 8:32
God has a heart for hurting parents. Should we be surprised? No, after all, God himself is a Father!
Are you separated from your child? So was God. Is someone mistreating your child? They mocked and bullied his.
Is someone taking advantage of your children? The Son of God was set up and betrayed by a greedy follower. Are you forced to watch while your child suffers? God watched his son on the cross.
But because of his great love for us, "he did not spare his own son but gave him for us all. So with Jesus, God will surely give us all things!" All things must include courage and hope!
Your child may not be in your arms - but your child is safely in his!
Cast all your cares on Him because he cares for you. 1 Peter 5:7
Just another verse that is a great reminder....
Gratefulness
Sometimes, I get bogged down and really truly forget to look at my life and just be grateful. That thought hit me last week somewhere between Thursday and Friday.
Things may be tough but tough things happen for a reason.
Take example 1: we moved to Keller at my insistence so that Joshua wouldn't have to be in three schools in three years. Because of that, Oscar and I have gotten way more time with Ayva then what is ordered by the court. He can see her any day he wants and with all of the impending changes coming, it is truly a blessing that he has had this year with her. If not, all of the changes that may happen, would be happening right when we are moving to the area.... we would miss this whole year of extra close time without it.
Which brings me to another thought (example 2)... when leaving Pennsylvania, Josh's dad didn't get very much warning. Maybe a month at the most?!? I can't remember... We have more then six months to spend with Ayva. Yes, the thought that she is leaving (or may be leaving) kills but at the same time, we have time with her and that's more then most people get... so every day with her is special and I want to remember it and be thankful for all those small moments :).
So while moving to Keller was a mistake and I was upping the timeline, there are blessings and silver linings in the grey clouds and even though I wish that I had done better and been a better wife to my husband, we would have lost so much. Truthfully, I have been upset with myself and wishing I could change circumstances or things, so that we wouldn't be experiencing these problems but even if the circumstances changed would it truly be for the better?!?
So while our outlook may not be the greates, being grateful has changed my total attitude of how I am trying to approach each day. For everyday that I have with my husband I am truly blessed and grateful...even if it's not one of the greatest days. At least I woke up with him beside me.
Things may be tough but tough things happen for a reason.
Take example 1: we moved to Keller at my insistence so that Joshua wouldn't have to be in three schools in three years. Because of that, Oscar and I have gotten way more time with Ayva then what is ordered by the court. He can see her any day he wants and with all of the impending changes coming, it is truly a blessing that he has had this year with her. If not, all of the changes that may happen, would be happening right when we are moving to the area.... we would miss this whole year of extra close time without it.
Which brings me to another thought (example 2)... when leaving Pennsylvania, Josh's dad didn't get very much warning. Maybe a month at the most?!? I can't remember... We have more then six months to spend with Ayva. Yes, the thought that she is leaving (or may be leaving) kills but at the same time, we have time with her and that's more then most people get... so every day with her is special and I want to remember it and be thankful for all those small moments :).
So while moving to Keller was a mistake and I was upping the timeline, there are blessings and silver linings in the grey clouds and even though I wish that I had done better and been a better wife to my husband, we would have lost so much. Truthfully, I have been upset with myself and wishing I could change circumstances or things, so that we wouldn't be experiencing these problems but even if the circumstances changed would it truly be for the better?!?
So while our outlook may not be the greates, being grateful has changed my total attitude of how I am trying to approach each day. For everyday that I have with my husband I am truly blessed and grateful...even if it's not one of the greatest days. At least I woke up with him beside me.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Just a prayer... because I am out of words...
Lord,
I know things get tough and life gets hard. In the last four days, I have seen how much Oscar still does love me and even though at times he wants leave, he still continues to stick it out with me. Not just for me but for our family and the children. My head hurts just thinking of everything that is going on in his brain and my heart is heavy because I too have caused him pain. Please just help us. Help us come through this time stronger... please help him and be with him as the changes that may be happening with his daughter are so significant and so painful for him. Please help Ayshea realize how much it is affecting him and will be affecting Ayva too. Please help us all to ease through this process. Let me be a source of strength for him in this time and to not drain him of even more energy. Please help me with my moods and that I would be able to find a stable ground so that I can also be a supporting member of this family. Lord, please take the worry and the hurt and turn our lemons into lemonade. Thank you for some of the great things that I have seen about my husband in the last few weeks, that I may not have observed before. Thank you for opening my eyes into my behavior, moods and seeing what I could become if I continue down this path. Thank you for providing what we needed in the time we needed it. I know you won't give us more then we can bear, even though at times it truly feels unbearable. What doesn't break us will only make us stronger. Help me bear witness to you and continue to develop in my own relationship with you. Thank you for your grace and providence.
Amen
I know things get tough and life gets hard. In the last four days, I have seen how much Oscar still does love me and even though at times he wants leave, he still continues to stick it out with me. Not just for me but for our family and the children. My head hurts just thinking of everything that is going on in his brain and my heart is heavy because I too have caused him pain. Please just help us. Help us come through this time stronger... please help him and be with him as the changes that may be happening with his daughter are so significant and so painful for him. Please help Ayshea realize how much it is affecting him and will be affecting Ayva too. Please help us all to ease through this process. Let me be a source of strength for him in this time and to not drain him of even more energy. Please help me with my moods and that I would be able to find a stable ground so that I can also be a supporting member of this family. Lord, please take the worry and the hurt and turn our lemons into lemonade. Thank you for some of the great things that I have seen about my husband in the last few weeks, that I may not have observed before. Thank you for opening my eyes into my behavior, moods and seeing what I could become if I continue down this path. Thank you for providing what we needed in the time we needed it. I know you won't give us more then we can bear, even though at times it truly feels unbearable. What doesn't break us will only make us stronger. Help me bear witness to you and continue to develop in my own relationship with you. Thank you for your grace and providence.
Amen
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Class #1 Before all of us say "I Do"
Notes from last night's class:
Topic was preparing for the challenges and rewards of blending families.
-Some of the class was irrelevant as we are already married. Some of the key topics that they touched on was that a marriage takes a 100-100 commitment on both sides. Being married is not the easiest thing to do and being married twice is the biggest challenge. Chances of divorce are higher in a second marriage.
-Myths of blended marriage are that the new family will be just like the old family or that it's easier to blend families when the kids are older (actually research and experience has shown, the younger kids are the easier it is.)
-They talked about charting the course for a successful marriage-
-many people believe that everything will turn out alright. There is enough love to go around and being a family is easy. (called the Pollyanna effect). Problem is once people realize that it isn't easy and that it's going to take work, the ship (marriage) begins to sink until it hits rock bottom. If you aren't prepared and have a course charted out, the marriage will suffer immensely and become yet another statistic. It is very important to learn how to deal with conflict before the conflict happens.
One of the key statements that really stuck with me because I have seen it was: A blended family is worth every day of it, if you can live through it.
I can see that. If I didn't have a blended family, I would never know a very special curly haired young lady that has completely stolen and melted my heart. Not to mention her very wonderful daddy, who not only has seen me at my best but he's seen me at my worst and while we struggle, there have been significant changes for good in me and there is nothing more I desire then to be able to grow old together with him.
Life hurts
I'm hurting and I can't stand here and lie about it. When your husband tells you he no longer wants to be married and you aren't even one year into the marriage, that's a serious problem. Why... why did I choose to come back to this? Part of me thinks that I was such an idiot to believe that it would all change with getting married. It was my choice last year and now we are back to where we were. It hurts so bad. I love him so much. The next six months and even a year are going to bring massive amount of changes to this family, without even throwing in the possibility of divorce.
What can I do? I am going to continue to work on myself. I have actually already placed a phone call to a counselor. I started going to a class on blended families and honestly it was quite eye opening. It helps to know that other people go through the same thing and to hear how some of them have dealt with situations. I am going to continue to blog and journal about it, so that I can understand myself more too. I know there are areas that I struggle big time with.
Some of those areas are:
-being content (happy) without looking for something else to aim for or do
-understanding and submitting to my husband without questioning.
What can I do? I am going to continue to work on myself. I have actually already placed a phone call to a counselor. I started going to a class on blended families and honestly it was quite eye opening. It helps to know that other people go through the same thing and to hear how some of them have dealt with situations. I am going to continue to blog and journal about it, so that I can understand myself more too. I know there are areas that I struggle big time with.
Some of those areas are:
-being content (happy) without looking for something else to aim for or do
-understanding and submitting to my husband without questioning.
Ephesians 5:21-26
21Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God.
22Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.
23For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body.
24Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.
25Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;
-work on my trust issues (trusting in God, trusting in my husband and trusting in myself)
-stabilize my moods
-Raise my children in a good environment, putting on a unified front with my husband
I am (as he pointed out) a dreamer. Which is totally true. I envision what I want and try to go out and get it without plotting out a good course or taking the time to build that bridge to what I want.... I decide what I want and then I want it now. That doesn't work very well in life, in a relationship, in anything.
My goal is to go back to square one that we were on last year and look at promises that we made to each other. I am willing to work and I am willing to change in order to keep my family together. I have dreams about us growing old together and I don't want to give that up. I can not live in fear...
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