With these kids I thee wed.....

If you think about it, Jesus was in a blended family.  His "earthly" father was Joseph and yet he was the offspring of God.  Blending a family is hard work and not for the faint of heart.  

Primarily the children need to have a "den" where they (the cubs) feel "safe".  They may not blend well with each other or even the non biological parent but it is imperative that they feel safe. The consequences of divorce are very damaging.  In order to create that peaceful environment several things must happen.  

               -The blending must happen with mom and dad first

               -There is going to be a HUGE range of emotions from spouses and children (anger, guilt, jealousy, love, etc)

               -Realistic expectations need to be set.  (EXPECTATIONS-REALITY=DISILLUSIONMENT)

What do the kids want and need from the new family?

               - to be accepted and respected.  (It's not going to be instant love between the spouse and the children)

               - Children need a unified set of parents who stand shoulder to shoulder.  Parents need to create the appearance of being in one accord, even if you disagree.  Disagree behind closed doors.  

               - children need to have an orderly home with proper boundaries established.  

What about discipline?

                - Mom disciplines her own kids and dad disciplines his kids.  For the other parent, you need to be there first and earn the respect first.    

Continue to use the shoulder-to-shoulder determination to overcome land mines in the drive to survive.  

                -We are a couple, we are together, we are one.....

                - Use some knee power and pray

                - Use some no power.  Avoid letting the guilt keep you from disciplining your own children.  

Practical ways to solve problems before they explode:

              -Understand that mom can love her husband in a blended family only to the extent that she feels her "cubs" are safe and secure in the "den".  

              -Make room for other family relationships, such as grandparents etc...

              -Children gain security from traditions.

                  -which traditions do you carry forward?

                  -what are some new traditions for this family?

              -Deal with anger and other emotions during regular family meetings.  

              -Do not "trash talk" your ex-spouse.  

Dr. Lehman gave the example of a balloon.  Everyone has a balloon inside them.  As the days and weeks go by, that balloon builds up and builds up with different negative emotions. until it eventually explodes in complete anger.  Learn to talk through the emotions, release some of the pressure slowly and you shouldn't get to the exploding point.  Weekly anger meetings/family meetings are important in that release.  It takes 3-7 years after being married to completely blend and work through issues.  If you listen, you have a chance.